Category » FUNNY STUFF
Comedian/writer David Feldman joins forces with badtouchgoodtouch.com and explains the intricate fuckery that is the US economy. Audio is taken from David’s weekly podcast, visuals harvested from youtube, archive.org and various other places. Edited together by Jimmy Lee Wirt and Britta Bordeaux.
Have you ever considered a career in soft core pornography? Do you have flabby, pimple marked butt cheeks that haven’t seen the sunlight since 1971? Do you consider yourself to be a Southern gentleman? Or, at the very least, a big ol’ tub of fun lovin’ good times? Well, you just might have what it takes to become a model on Southern Gents! I think you might want to check out the competition first, though. There’s some winners on Southern Gents, so if you think you have what it takes to be a Southern Gents model, you better bring your A game!
JUST THE FACTS ABOUT THE MAN BEHIND THE SHACK
LIVES: Sin City
BORN: October 1968
DRINKS: Jack Daniels straight & ice cold Silver Bullets
EATS: Fur pies, pink tacos, and shaved clams
PHONE: Join The Shack Of Sin for this one!
FOOTBALL: Diehard member of Patriot Nation
KICKBALL: I have my own damn kickball team “wanna kick some balls with me?”
MUSIC: Hell yeah…in fact, CRANK IT UP!
QUOTE: Rock On
Here’s a sample of what Storm is brining to the table:
A Little Bit About Beau Jingles….
Birthday – February 7, 1972
Sign – Aquarius
Marital status – I have fiance and we are swingers.We love to share!
Height – 6’0″
Waist size – 38
Shoes size – 11
Eye color – Hazel
Hair color – Light Brown
Job – Computer Geek and Amateur Photographer
A few of my favorite things.
Colour – Dark Green, Blue, Earthtones
Drink – Guinness, New Castle Brown and White Russians
Shot – Cabo Wabo Tequila
Food – Steak
Music – Rock and Roll, Hard, Soft anyway I can get it…
Cologne – To be honest I don’t like cologne, on occasion I will use some Aqua Velva aftershave, love the burn.
Dessert – German Chocolate Cheesecake.
The sexy and more important things.
Sexual orientation – Straight, but not phobic…can’t be when your cock happens to be in a mouth of a hot slut at the same time some other guys cock is in there too…:P
Body Hair – I keep myself shaved and trimmed in the right areas, and like to make sure all my hair is kept groomed and looking nice.
Turn-ons – a nice smile, great eyes, and a great ass…
Turn offs – conceitedness and lack of intelligence
Vacation spot – anywhere there’s naked people having fun
Measurements – Join my members side to find out!
Favorite position – depends on my mood but I am partial to Doggie, and cowgirl
Ambitions – to open my own business doing something I love
Weaknesses – damsels in distress, I like being their knight in shining armor…
Here’s a taste of Mr. Beau Jingles…Mr. Beau Jingles….Mr. Beau Jingles, dance:
Marital status: Very happily married to Abbie
Hair: Salt ‘n Pepper
Favorite Drink: Iced Tea
Favorite Food: Whatever Abbie’s in the mood for!
Sexual Orientation: Straight
Hobbies: My beautiful wife, Abbie, being the Southern Voyeur, and of course, SEX!
Favorite Sexual Position: Whatever pleases my partner!
Weaknesses: A woman with sexuality as well as beauty
Peek a boo, I see you! Now you are the voyeur by looking at Southern Voyeurs pictures! Irony complete!
Stay tuned for more choice selections from Southern Gents!
What if Donny Kerabatsos and Donnie Darko showed up to the wrong set?
What if Frank the rabbit had a cleft asshole?
What if it Walter was a high school teacher?
What if the Germans were smurfs?
Writers Laura Braun and Eric Tolles answer all those questions, and more!
Your mailbox is calling, dude. -Laura
I`m throwing Charmin tonight! Meet at 8 dude. -Eric
Do you see what happens Donnie? Do you see what happens Donnie? DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS DONNIE, WHEN YOU INSERT THE LIFELINE EXERCISE CARD INTO A TEACHER’S ANUS? -Eric
Son, you are entering a wormhole of pain. -Laura
It really tied the kiddie porn dungeon together, did it not?
And this kid started a fire in it. -Eric
So you have no frame of reference here, Donny. you’re like a child that wanders into the middle of a double homicide… -Laura
You want a sparrow, I can get you a sparrow. I can get you a sparrow by 3 o’clock, with gray hair. -Eric
You’re killing your rabbit Donnie. -Laura
Obviously, you’re not a sleep-golfer. -Eric
Also, Dude, ‘Fuckass’ is not the preferred nomenclature. -Laura
Do you still think about girls a lot?
You mean ‘coitus?’ -Laura
I’ll suck a fuck for a thousand dollars. -Eric
She’s a therapist?
She was threatening medication. Are we gonna split hares here? -Eric
They’re called ‘Sparkle Motion,’ they’re some kind of, ugh, Pedo-Pop. -Eric
Say what you want about the tenets of National Smurfism; at least it’s asexual -Eric
Nobody fucks with the Cunningham. -Eric
Chut the fuck up Donnie. -Laura
I am really starting to doubt your commitment to the next round robin. -Laura
Life does not start and stop at your convenience, you mysterious rabbit costume. -Eric
I could just be sitting here with a jet engine in my room. -Eric
And you know, he’s got emotional problems man.
You mean…beyond parodoxism? -Eric
I’m just going to go find a time machine. -Eric
Do you see the fear people? Do you see the fear people? DO YOU SEE THE FEAR PEOPLE, WHEN YOU SEARCH FOR AN ANSWER IN THE WRONG PLACE? -Eric
Hey, careful man, there’s a portal here! -Laura
You must be here to fix the cellar door. -Eric
Lord. You can imagine where it goes from here.
He collapses the tangent universe? -Laura
What’s funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume!
Isn’t she as cute a button?
Let me introduce you to Annabelle Lotus, daughter of “Juggalo Julz,” an “OLD SCHOOL NINJA..BORN AND RAISED FROM THE GHETTO STREETZ OF CHICAGO A*K*A CHITOWN..IM ORIGINAL JRB CHITOWN JUGGALO RYDA..BITCH! IM ONE OF A KIND..EITHER YOU LOVE OR HATE ME..EITHER WAY YA’LL STILL KNOW MY NAME..IM VERY BLUNT, HONEST & I KEEP IT REAL..I SAY WHATZ ON MY MIND WHEN ITZ ON MY MIND..I STRAIGHT DONT GIVE A FUCK!!”
At least that is what her MySpace page claims.
Well, unfortunately for li’l Anabelle, Julz, or “Juicebox” did give a fuck sometime in September 2007 and her boyfriend slipped his little hatchet man into her circus tent and blew a jugga-load. A few billion clowns swimming through a river of Spazmatic! and fighting for the center ring of Julz’s carnival attraction, and Anabelle made it to the top and wowed her mom’s womb with her trapeze act.
For six months Julz nurtured her growing Juggalette just as a responsible and caring mother should.
She sought the advice of both her doctor about physical does and don’ts during her pregnancy and a nutritionist concerning her dietary needs. She carefully watched what she ate, maintained an advised exercise regimen, and even spent her evenings curled up in a chair reading to her stomach.
Oh, wait, no, that was my sister.
For six months Julz nurtured her growing Juggalette just as an responsible and caring mother would.
With gallons of alcohol, and buckets of Xanax.
Oh, wait, wrong again. Sort of.
Julz didn’t know that she was with child for the first 6 months of her pregnancy. No reason why she shouldn’t be washing handfuls of Xanax down with a 40 oz of malt liquor. Who amongst us doesn’t do that? I apologize. I mean, why pay any attention to your body, especially when you haven’t experienced a normal menstrual cycle in 6 months? I’m sure she just figured it was the silly drug and beer binges playing jokes on her physiology. Sure, she was having sex on a regular basis, but condoms are, like, almost 100 percent effective, right? And why the hell should she have to be all responsible and shit? She’s a juggalo, motherfuckers, and accepted for who she is among her peers, no matter if she, like, totally killed her baby with negligence.
Sorry, I’m again incorrect.
It was the hospital that killed her precious Anabelle Lotus, not Julz’s habitual drug and alcohol habit that she carried her child with her through two third’s of her pregnancy. My bad.
Just listen to this phone conversation that Julz had with the radio station WFKO (W Fuck Off) in which she explains how the hospital was negligent, not her. She completely takes us through the procedures and practices that were done incorrectly by the irresponsible doctors and nurses that directly lead to them murdering her innocent baby girl.
Oh, and God, he was in on it too.
Well, I guess I’m wrong once more.
She didn’t explain any of that, she just glossed over the death of her child with a quick statement about how none of the doctors knew why her baby only lived for 13 minutes. Rather, she opted to use the majority of her interview pimping her dead baby for free t-shirts and concert tickets.
Because that is what you do when you’re a responsible and caring mother.
Can I call her a mom when she gave birth to a poisoned fetus that coughed its way through 13 minutes before cashing in its ticket for the ferris wheel in the sky?
Do you think it’s coincidence that she gave birth on Mother’s Day?
And that Mother Nature responded with an resounding “No fucking way!”
I know moms. I have one. And a number of my friends are as well. I can think of dozens of differences between them and Julz, but I think the main one is that their daughters didn’t slide out of their wombs as though the doctor had reached into a ghetto convenience store freezer and pulled out a luke-warm 2 liter of Faygo.
I guess it only seemed fitting to bury her in a converted Styrofoam cooler.
And yes, those are hatchet men stickers.
On a coffin.
What could be more respectful and reverent than cartoon characters slapped on the surface of the vessel meant to bear one from this life into the next? Or to attend the funeral of your “murdered” daughter dressed like you’re on your way to an Insane Clown Posse concert?
I guess we can all be glad that at least they didn’t have her cremated and turned her urn into a bong.
Cough, cough. “This hit’s for you little ninja!” Cough.
One thing that me and Juggalo Julz can agree on, is that Anabelle Lotus is certainly “in a better place.”
She’s feeding worms and a myriad of burrowing insects, and providing nutrients to the topsoil.
I can see her casting shadows over the ground in the shape of flower petals, instead of growing up to be just another Juggalo.
Here’s the second installment of Rock N B-Roll, this time we feature the ridiculous ‘Satan-Lite’ video ‘Looks That Kill’, not featuring the Los Angeles hard rock band Motley Crue. This video has it all! Girls in loin clothes, girls in cages, flying pentagrams and fire! The only thing it’s lacking is an actual appearance from Satan himself…now that would have been epic!
A few years ago I came up with the idea of taking bands out of their own videos, and leaving whatever remained intact. Well, I went and did it. This is the first installment of ROCK N B-ROLL! The first offering is from Def Leppard (minus the band), so sit back and enjoy this 49 second version of ‘Rock Of Ages’. It’s better this way, don’t you agree?