Sunday, 30 of April of 2017

Category » RELIGION

The Rabbit Rubbed Its PAAS Together

We take communion, The Rabbit and I.

We share a fluffy yellow Peep and the Rabbit spreads its arms like a bat taking flight. The Rabbit shows me its stigmata, where the non-believers drove carrots into its paws.

I pause this reality and dive down the hole after it into the next.

Its matted bloody fur wiggles and hums. Buzzes. Hundreds of bees pour from its wounded appendages. In droves they circle my head. Into my ears they crawl. They tickle. They wriggle in there, in and out of my honeycombed brain. I feel a warm mess dripping down my neck.  I put my fingers into it, touch them to my lips and lick the sweet and sticky from them.

Did you see what God just did to us man!

The Rabbit claps its paws together and my skull flips back like an over-seized PEZ dispenser.

7 pink and green coffin-shaped candy pellets bounce off of my chest and skitter across the floor and skid to a stop in perfect alignment with the other. They open, a trumpet of creaking wood announcing their arrival. Thousands upon thousands of multi-colored baby spiders pour out of them, save for one. They cover the floor, up the bed and swarm over me. I feel compelled to lay flat on my back and let them crisscross my skin 8 legs at a time. I can feel each and every single depression. From the soles of my feet to the tip of my shoulders, they lock legs and slowly tip-toe, like a Sunday school procession. They blanket my body like a quilt, and I am comforted.

I hear the last candy coffin open and 3 dark shapes fly up and around the room, dancing like shadows in and out of the corners. I can’t quite make out their form, but their substance twinkles and sparkles and makes my eyes squint, like too much sunlight.

But I know these creatures are born of the moon.

They flutter and flap, black velvet wings that twist and turn to no pattern. Click. Click, click. They fly closer and closer, crashing into each other and spinning together madly.

A black licorice whip clatters to the floor like an empty picture frame.

The quilt of arachnids has melted like ice cream off of my skin and puddles around my body like an abandoned birthday party.

The Rabbit urges me to climb onto its back, and promises that we are safe as houses. I straddle it just above its snow white haunches and with a light tap of the licorice whip we zoom through a musty maze of tunnels, avoiding sharp-mouthed stones and the prying fingers of angry roots. This is Otik’s womb, I think, but The Rabbit tells me that we are late, that we have video tapes to return, that we have no time to waste with tree parties. We make 5 lefts in quick succession and then 4 slower rights and jump out into nightfall and straight into the ocean. I ask the Rabbit in crystal clear bubbles if it can swim and it replies that it’s not important. What is important, its bubbles breaking against my face, is if you can.

I grab the nape of the Rabbit’s neck in my teeth and pull it up, zigging and zagging towards that silver sliver, my lungs screaming for air, my heart screaming for salvation. I see the Rabbit’s eyes changing from green to brown to black.  I think of Sebastian, and his arrows. My skin looks like tinfoil in this light, I notice, and speaking I watch as the last bubble gurgles out of my mouth and floats just above me. I look one last time into the eyes of the Rabbit and grab hold of that bubble just before it is out of reach. And straining one last time, my mouth full of cotton candy, I break the surface of the water.

I’m in the middle of my living room sitting cross-legged, naked, sweating and praying. Presenting the floppy-eared Presence with a present. A trick in the palm of one hand and a treat in the other.

The Rabbit partakes of both.

The Rabbit shows me how we are all but Easter eggs of varying brilliance and design nested in fluorescent grass inside wicker baskets floating atop an ocean of melted nougat.

That we are all just cobweb hair and ghost tongues; bruised and battered orange pumpkin shells with our guts spilled all over the floor, ready and waiting for the candle.

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Miley Cyrus – Evil Mother Fucker From Tennessee

Miley Cyrus channels Joe Buck Yourself in ‘Evil Mother Fucker From Tennessee’.

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Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey

Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey threw himself into the race for Minnesota Governor on January 13, 2006. His thirteen point platform included helping farmers, improving the public school system, and advocating for better benefits for United States veterans. However, it was his “coming out” to the media as a Hecate Witch, Satanic Dark Priest and Sanguinary Vampire that grabbed Jonathon national and international attention. His candidacy marked the beginning of the largest amount of media coverage ever given to an unknown third party candidate running for Governor in American history.

“Minnesota has hosted an interesting run of political candidates, from retired wrestler Jesse Ventura (Minnesota governor from 1999 to 2003) to former Saturday Night Live star Al Franken (the contested winner of a U.S. Senate seat in 2008). But perhaps the most intriguing candidate was Jonathan Sharkey, a self-proclaimed Satanic Vampire and Hecate Witch, who ran for the office of Minnesota governor in 2006. W. Tray White’s documentary Impaler follows Sharkey as he contends with the media frenzy inspired by his 13-point political platform which includes impaling criminals on the lawn of the governor’s mansion.”



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Joe Dixon – Atheist Bible Study

Joe Dixon is a comedian based out of New York, and besides being a funny guy he’s also a very intelligent atheist who uses his wicked sense of humor to dismantle the Bible with his video series ‘Atheist Bible Study“.  It’s a hoot!

Here’s episode one:

 

 

Here’s Joe wearing a badtouchgoodtouch.com t shirt, that is available in the store section of this site. Special thanks go to Joe for being the first person to buy a shirt from badtouchgoodtouch.com!

 

 

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